Ben invites several people to Mom's house after most of the guests have left and she's gone to bed. Sofia, Christopher, Kyle, Eliza and Jim are also in bed. Leni and I are headed upstairs, also. It is 1 AM. The reggae music and his loud voice above all others continue on for another 2 hours, at least. I think that this may have been fun several years ago but it feels strangely inappropriate to me at this time.
Neither did I see Ben clear one glass or wash one plate or pot that night or the next morning. I think that this is unconscionable given that he's been staying there for some time and that he's a 32-year-old man with no familial commitments or college loans to worry about.
I may be overreacting on this one but seems like I'm not. Did I miss something?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Dec 26 -homosexuality
In a conversation with approximately 5 people, Ben shares his backward theory on lesbianism. In my view, everyone's welcome to their weird theories but, at a small family party with a least 3 homosexuals present, it's inappropriate to share such things. Two reasons that come to mind are (a) because shows an ignorant point of view towards human sexuality in 2007, and (b) it belittles and potentially hurts those homosexuals in the group.
Dec 26 -women
Leni heads off to bed. I am tired and want to talk to her before she falls asleep. He tells me I should hang out more and have another drink. I say, 'no'. In front of 2 other people, he comments that its because I want to get some 'action' -can't recall the exact wording he used but it wasn't pretty . Everyone knows how 'getting some action' with my wife is something I would easily give priority to over a 5th glass of wine at 1 AM -so it may have been true. I share this only because it was inappropriate for Ben to say this the way he did in front of others.
Dec 26 -X-mas
Because he already has one and he doesn't like the style of the gift I gave him, Ben's disappointed and expresses it to the entire group of people at mom's Christmas gathering. He asks me how much I paid for it. He points out that the gift that he gave me was $85. I think that Ben can't see how impolite it is to receive a gift and then criticize it publicly. Also inappropriate is talking about how much you spent on a gift. I think this is a good example of how Ben often feels like he is being cheated out of things and that he has to prove it.
Dec 17 -women
I invite Ben to come to dinner at Deysi's for X-mas eve. He responds with an email to Nate, Eliza and me saying that it might be nice to 'see some Latinas' but that he likes it at the Horne's so maybe he can't come. I share this with you because I think it illuminates Ben's disrespect for the value of the women of Leni's family for anything else than 'looking' at.
participation optional
Hi, guys. Ben's got problems. It was clear to me this week that almost everything he says or does is inappropriate. However, the tough question we aways have is how to sit down and constructively explain to him about each and every one of these socially-inappropriate offenses without him blowing up in a defensive tirade and a potentially viscous counter-attack?
It is clear that all of our feelings have been hurt by Ben's behaviors and our initial instincts are inevitably to retaliate in self-defense. However, I can see that lately, a consensus is building in the family to confront Ben on these issues not just on the defensive but instead actually for his own good so that he doesn't get himself into any more trouble over the same recurring issues. We all want Ben to be able to survive on his own in this world as a functional and self-confident adult. Yes, he makes progress but, at this rate, it seems clear that each of his successes is countered by a series of counter-productive set-backs. I'm beginning to lose hope that status quo treatment and avoidance of 'Ben-troubles' may never work and that Dad's theory on Asperger's Syndrome might be correct (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome).
This blog is to show Ben how often these inappropriate behaviors are occurring in his interactions with us without him even realizing it. My goal is to someday soon share this list with him (the end of 2008?). I think that this might be a good way to illuminate some of the recurring problems in social interactions that he has in a way that's not perceived as an attack and so that he can't dwell defensively upon the minute details of any one issue. I'm going to try to do this by writing very brief descriptions and precise dates of the events. I encourage you all to contribute to this and I hope that something good someday comes of it. I'm going to do what I can to make these neutral observations without a tone of resentment. Please do the same. Keep them brief, too.
Love,
Aaron
It is clear that all of our feelings have been hurt by Ben's behaviors and our initial instincts are inevitably to retaliate in self-defense. However, I can see that lately, a consensus is building in the family to confront Ben on these issues not just on the defensive but instead actually for his own good so that he doesn't get himself into any more trouble over the same recurring issues. We all want Ben to be able to survive on his own in this world as a functional and self-confident adult. Yes, he makes progress but, at this rate, it seems clear that each of his successes is countered by a series of counter-productive set-backs. I'm beginning to lose hope that status quo treatment and avoidance of 'Ben-troubles' may never work and that Dad's theory on Asperger's Syndrome might be correct (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome).
This blog is to show Ben how often these inappropriate behaviors are occurring in his interactions with us without him even realizing it. My goal is to someday soon share this list with him (the end of 2008?). I think that this might be a good way to illuminate some of the recurring problems in social interactions that he has in a way that's not perceived as an attack and so that he can't dwell defensively upon the minute details of any one issue. I'm going to try to do this by writing very brief descriptions and precise dates of the events. I encourage you all to contribute to this and I hope that something good someday comes of it. I'm going to do what I can to make these neutral observations without a tone of resentment. Please do the same. Keep them brief, too.
Love,
Aaron
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